Stifled

My dad was home for the weekend, which was awesome. I rarely get to see him and it's always a treat when he comes to town.

While the two of us were driving to see a movie yesterday, we somehow managed to get on the topic of my future. Right now, I'm living in their home (in America) while they're overseas (in France). My aunt (Mom's baby sister) and uncle recently moved in since they don't have anywhere else to stay and she's pregnant with her first baby (Hank!). I work as the Assistant Store Manager and a video store not far from my home.

To be honest, I hate it here. I feel stifled where I live, like I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack. The suburbs have never been the place for me and I'm pretty sure they never will be. I love my job and I love my friends, but I'm ready to be out of here. Yet it seems like my plans keep getting pushed back.

Or maybe I'm just too scared to make the leap . . .

Anyway, I was venting about all of this when my dad brought up a way I could move a bit sooner. He was telling me that if I could find some way to further my writing career in Seattle (the city to which I'm wanting to move), if I could convince him that this would be a viable option that would actually help me make progress on that writing career, he would figure a way to set me up so that he could help me live there and be able to eat without working my ass off 24/7.

Of course, he's basically referring to college. Though he was talking about the possibility of a trade school, or something of that nature, that would strictly teach writing instead of requiring the student to take all of the other pointless classes that they will probably never use. *cough* Maths. *cough*

It's tempting. It's sorely tempting. Right now, I feel like I would do anything to get out of here and feel like I'm actually doing something: moving toward my future. I spent a good portion of my free time today looking for something like what he said. I found one or two promising universities, but those are so expensive and I've been so certain up to this point that I don't need college and I don't want to waste my (and/or my parents' money) on something I'm not absolutely certain I need for the future I desire.

It's not that I have anything against going to college. I think that, for a lot of people, it is the right choice. But I also think that not everyone has the same path and, for some, that means choosing not to go to college. I thought that was the path I was going to choose.

Then again, how are you supposed to know which way to choose? I mean, that's a pretty big decision there. How can I know whether my initial choice was the best or if I ought to change my mind before it's too late? I mean, I could always use more training in the skill I enjoy so dearly. I'm sure there's plenty to learn, but I'm also sure I don't want to get in debt of any kind.

As you can see, I've been having quite the inner dilemma. I don't do well with these sorts of issues. Thankfully, I managed to quell the panic attack that was on the verge of breaking loose tonight, though the nausea is still present. I don't really know how to explain my emotions on this any better than that. I mean, it's probably not a good idea to get me started on my social anxiety and all the things that crop up when I think of having to attend classes again (of course, this contributes to why moving is scary for me anyway, though my desire to get out of here is greater than my discomfort at the very idea of social interaction).

I hope I don't sound whiney, or worse, like a sociopath, but these are my general thoughts on my current situation and the decisions I feel like I need to make. I'm terrified and hopeful and entirely conflicted.

I just hope that, in all of that, I'll be able to figure out what is best for me, regardless of the other factors that play into the making of this decision. Writing this out helped, as writing out my emotions generally does, even if it hasn't quite led me to a solution.

Phobias

I've never been ashamed of my phobias. I mean, everyone's terrified of something. I happen to be terrified of enclosed spaces and deep water. It's not a big deal as long as no one puts me in an enclosed space or forces me to get on a boat. I've written a post on my claustrophobia (which you can find here), so you can tell I'm not ashamed of it. I feel like it's a pretty legitimate phobia. I mean, I do hate having it. I hate that I can't enjoy the Hezekiah tunnels the way my tour group did and that I started panicking when my family went into a partially underground tomb in Ireland. I hate bursting into tears and having trouble breathing. And I especially hate when that happens on a crowded Metro car or in front of people who like to tell me afterward that I'm probably over my fear now. (Sorry, but throwing spiders at an arachnophobic person isn't going to make them stop fearing the little buggers. It's going to make it worse. Claustrophobia works the same way.) 

I've been embarrassed by people witnessing my reactions to my phobias, but never of the phobias themselves. Until now.

I've recently noticed that I am growing increasingly fearful of elevators- a problem which I'm not okay with. I believe it's a mix of my claustrophobia and that time my sister, niece, and I got trapped in the library elevator. It seems that every time I find myself in an elevator, my heart rate goes up and I catch myself holding my breath until the doors open up again. 

It's almost comical. I mean, I get claustrophobic on planes, which are clearly the more dangerous of the two, but I seem to panic more on elevators than the metal birds I seem to find myself sardine-packed into every couple of months.

Frankly, it's embarrassing. Elevators freak me out. Then again, so does claymation and I've never really been ashamed to talk about that one. I just think it's irritating and odd that I've somehow managed to find another thing that makes me want close my eyes and pray for it to be over. At least I haven't gotten to the point where I'll only take the stairs. I suppose I'm a bit too lazy for that one. 

Republicans vs. Democrats

The United States presidential elections are coming up.

This is probably no surprise to you if, like me, your newsfeed is getting blasted with about fifty political banners and criticisms every day. It's getting exhausting already and a part of me just wants to hibernate until January.

Don't get me wrong, the presidential election is incredibly important. YOU NEED TO VOTE. Not voting is probably about the stupidest thing you can do this fall, other than selling your home so you can afford all the useless crap you're going to buy on Black Friday. But that's not what I want to talk about here.

What I want to talk about is the demonization of opposing political parties.

You see, I consider myself a libertarian, which is to say I'm conservative with a good deal of democratic beliefs (ie. I'm pro-life and pro-marijuana*). Therefore, I don't consider myself either Republican or Democratic, though I'm more likely to vote Republican than Democratic if it comes down to one or the other. (This is majorly because being anti-abortion is the most important thing to me, above all other political issues.).

Growing up mostly around Republicans, I grew up thinking that most Democrats didn't know what they were talking about. I assumed that the left was full of ignorance and ill-intent and that you would have to be a moron to consider yourself as such. As I got older, however, I started to see things in a new light. I made friends with people who were highly intelligent and deeply concerned about the state of our nation that identified with the Democratic party. Furthermore, when I discussed certain political standpoints with them, they actually made sense.

I then started to notice that there were many Republicans who had no idea what they were talking about and simply took the stances they did out of fear, ignorance, or in an attempt to fit in. They hadn't really thought through why they believed what they did. They simply accepted their initial inclination as fact and worked from there. I'm not saying all Republicans are this way. I know just as many highly intelligent Republicans as I do Democrats; the same goes for ignorant ones.

This is the point I'm trying to make: We need to stop demonizing one party or another. We can't keep going around acting like because we're Democrats or because we're Republicans, we're somehow better than everyone else.

The way I see it, both Democrats and Republicans are wrong about a lot of things. But they're also right about a lot of things. It's our narrow-minded inability to empathize and see things from a different point of view that keeps us from growing. Sometimes it's worth it to consider your "enemy's" argument. Considering it never means that you have to accept it.

I suppose that's the end of my rant, but I hope I gave all of y'all something to think about. So the next time you're in an argument from an opposing party member, please don't just shut them out. You never learn if you don't listen. Just hear what it is they have to say. You don't have to agree, but you might just learn something new . . . and look a tad less ignorant.

*Saying I'm pro-marijuana doesn't mean I advocate smoking/taking it while it's illegal. Nor does it mean that I do it. I just don't believe it ought to be illegal and ought to be treated like alcohol, legal but only for those above a certain age (18) and not to be used while or before driving.

Exhausting

Chilling with Aiden, the little boy I nanny. :)

Does anybody else ever feel like their life is moving too quickly and yet they don't know what they're meant to do next? I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. In fact, it's a pretty common feeling, from what I can tell. I think it's especially apparent in the transition from graduating high school to encountering the rest of your life.

Right now, I'm working at a video store, taking a semester off from school, and living by myself in my parents' home while they're living overseas. I'm trying to figure out what my next move is going to be while saving up money and trying not to freak out over the fact that I don't have any substantial plans yet.

I mean, even a few days ago I was worrying over the fact that nearly all my coworkers at the video store work two jobs and thinking that maybe I needed to get another one when I realized I already have one working as a nanny (at least, that's if he starts calling me in more often--which it looks like he will).

*Sigh* It's like I know what my major goals are. I have a good idea of where I want to go. It's just the periods in between that stare back at me like a blank page just begging to be written on, but writer's block keeps holding me back.

I have plenty of stuff to take care of in the meantime. Lately, I feel like I've just been running from one thing to the next with barely enough time to keep up with everything that's important to me. It's just exhausting worrying about what my next step is going to be while trying to take care of everything else that needs to get done.

What I really need to do is put more trust in God and his ability to lead me through this and make sure I end up where I need to be. But honestly, that's easier said than done. Still, it can't hurt to start now.

I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest. I know I can deal with this and everything will fall into place in it's time. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of the fact that He makes all things work together for my good.

I can do this. I can make it through. I can accomplish my dreams.

Gryffindor

It seems like I have a really hard time adding to this blog very frequently and, because of that, every other post is a life update. I personally enjoy life updates, particularly when they are for people I know, but if you don't--feel free to skip this one. I should have a legitimate post with something other than updates on my life on this site soon, so just sit back and I'll bring it to you soon enough.

Where should I begin? My burn is all healed up. I have a scar that I'm supposed to be putting cream on to reduce its visibility (that I keep forgetting to use), but other than that I'm all good. It healed up rather nicely.

For those of you who haven't already heard, I also have a job now! Thank God! I am now a salesperson at a video store about twenty minutes from my home and I really enjoy it. I've been employed there for about a month now and I'm still learning, but I'm getting into the swing of things now. I'm definitely glad I was able to finally get a job. That search took way too long! So now I have an income. *Does happy dance.* Plus, I get dollar movies free. Success!

LeakyCon was wonderful! LeakyCon, for all of you non-Harry Potter nerds out there, is a Harry Potter Convention run by Melissa Anelli (author of Harry, A History) that was located in Chicago, Il. this year. I took a road trip across country with my brother and, barring a few unpleasant circumstances on our way there and back, it was a wonderful trip.
LeakyCon itself was amazing. I have never seen so many nerds in one place! It was so cool to be surrounded by all of these other people whose lives have been seriously impacted by J.K. Rowling's book series and who love it just as much as (or more than) I do. Harry Potter jokes were told, received, and understood by all. And it was so much fun to meet someone and immediately ask, "What house are you in?" The funny thing was that Mitchell and I mostly made friends with other Gryffindors (he and I were both sorted into Gryffindor on Pottermore), though it was entirely unintentional. We made friends with people in other houses, but somehow ended up getting along with Gryffindors the best.
LeakyCon Lit was also exceptional. I won't harp on it much here, but I did write a post about it on my book blog that you can see by clicking this link.

Our parents came back stateside during our absence, so when we got home our parents were there. We hadn't seen them since May, so it was definitely exciting to see them again. The only downside was the reason for their return: Mitchell was going to college.
Mitchell went to college about a week after our return, but that hardly seemed long enough. We all drove up to his college as a family and stayed there for a few nights before finally having to say goodbye. Saying that it was pretty emotional would be an understatement. That last morning, there wasn't a single dry eye. Mitchell barely managed to stop crying before class and I cried all the way back to the hotel.

My brother is my best friend, so it was really hard to say goodbye to him. Still, I'm excited for him and this new stage in his life. I know he'll do great and make lots of friends. It's just hard when you've had a best friend that's been at your side since the moment he was born and then knowing that this is probably  the last time you'll ever live together or spend all of your time together. It was rough, but I know we'll both be okay. Besides, I get to see him in about two weeks, since family weekend is coming up. I'm definitely looking forward to that.

Well, that's about all I've got for this update. I need to get going anyway. The guy I occasionally nanny for just called and needs me to come by in less than an hour. Better go get some food in my stomach and some makeup on.

Have a blessed day!

2012 New Year's Resolutions: Midyear Evaluation

I have mentioned before that I'm really into New Year's Resolutions. Setting goals for myself is one of the chief ways that I manage to get things done and that is exactly why I enjoy them as much as I do.

On New Year's Day, I put up a list of my resolutions for 2012. Since it is now mid-July and the year is halfway over, I thought this would be a good chance to look back and see where I am on those goals and which ones I'll manage to accomplish this year.

So without further ado, here is my midyear evaluation:

1) Create/Write a Dream Journal

This goal has basically been accomplished. I purchased a journal for the task just after Christmas and, though I don't use it as often as I would like to, I have been steadily adding to it throughout the year. As of today, it has fifteen entries. That may not seem like a lot, but my dreams tend to be long and elaborate.
Here's a little excerpt for your sheer amusement:

(4/2/12): "The games didn't last very long. Soon enough, it was down to four of us. Nathan Fillion (I think as Castle) was there and sought me out for an alliance. At this point, we had all been relocated to a sort of hotel room and were told that Stephen Moffat would show up to congratulate the winner(s).Nathan wanted me to tell him more about myself, but I refused, saying that it was dangerous information and I didn't even know if I could trust him."

Yeah, my brain is a weird place.
Hopefully, I'll manage to start writing in it more often. My biggest problem is getting myself to wake up and immediately start writing out what I dreamt. As a rule, we tend to forget our dreams quite soon after waking. If I don't go immediately to the journal, I tend to mull it over while checking my phone or my social media sites and by the time I feel up to writing it out, I've forgotten most of the details I wanted to put in.
I'll definitely have to work on that over the next few months.

2) Move to New York City.

Yeah, this definitely won't be happening. At least, not this year. I've been meaning to write a blog post about this goal and will probably do so in the near future. The point here, though, is that I still don't have a job. There's no way in hell that I'll be able to afford anything at this point in time. I hope to be moving up north sometime next year instead, if at all possible.
Like I said, I'll be writing a blog post about this whole thing soon, so keep an eye out for that one.

3) Read 75 Books

As of yesterday, I have read 41 books this year. This means I only have 34 to go!
However, as any of those with whom I've discussed this goal will know, I have been steadily working my way up to reading 100 in a year. This is due to the fact that I once read that English majors at Oxford college are required to read 100 books a year. As a book enthusiast, this seemed like a wonderful idea to me. In 2011, I read 55 books, so I set the goal at 75 this year.
But I would be overjoyed if I could manage to read 100 this year and reach that goal sooner, rather than later. So if you look to the sidebar on the left and see the Goodreads Book Challenge Widget, you'll see my goal there is 100. If I can reach it this year, I will be overjoyed. If not, there will always be next year.
Either way, I'm totally going to blow the 75 goal out of the water.

4) Learn Tae Kwon Do

This one will likely remain partially done this year. I did take two Tae Kwon Do classes sometime around May, but I basically let it slip through my fingers and the trial period ran out. I decided it wasn't something I needed to be pursuing just yet.
I would still like to take some sort of fighting class in the near future, whether it be Tae Kwon Do, Karav Maga, or Kickboxing (all sound awesome). It's just not something I want to focus on right at this moment. Maybe next year will work out better for me.

5) Finish Writing My Book

Honestly, I don't see this one happening this year either. The book I was working on when I wrote that resolution didn't work out and I abandoned the project. Since then, I've been so wrapped up in FanFiction story lines that I haven't had the time to start yet another book project.
I think once I finish up the loose ends I have in my current FanFiction stories (A Matter of Trust (Newsies), Eyes of Purple (Narnia), and Winning the Golden Hearted (also Narnia), then I'll buckle down and focus on churning out a book.
In the meantime, this gives me the chance to work on developing the stories bouncing around in the back of my head and add new depth, as well as improve my writing skills. So don't worry, this time isn't being wasted in the least.

6) Accomplish at Least 3 Things on My Bucket List

And my final resolution has already been passed with flying colors. I have already accomplished four things on my Bucket List and will definitely be accomplishing another before the end of the year, hopefully more.
The three items on my Bucket List that I am probably most proud of are:
1. Go to Ireland
2. Get a Tattoo
3. Try Fish Sticks and Custard

So there you have it, my midyear evaluation. Maybe more will be accomplished by the end of the year than I expect and we'll have even more to celebrate. I'm already looking forward to the goals I'll be pursuing next year.

I Might Just Be Mental

Sometimes I feel like my laptop is a sentient being.

When I'm reading a particularly good book or have an idea that keeps turning itself over in my head, this little MacBook Air of mine seems to loom bigger and bigger in my mind as if it's calling out to me.

"Write!" it pesters incessantly. "Why aren't you writing? Aren't you the one who calls yourself an aspiring author?"

Of course I want to write. The problem is multifaceted and cumulates in a lack of focus and far too many ideas ricocheting off the boundaries of my mind. Nothing's cohesive. I know where I want to go with some stories and the premise of others, but it's like the moment I've got that going for me, by brain freezes up and my fingers seize.

My laptop scoffs. "Maybe you should just give up," it jeers. "Everyone else is better at this than you. They've all at least finished a rough draft of their manuscripts. You just keep getting stuck after the first ten chapters then ditching it and it's cluttering up my files."

I sneer and go back to reading or watching YouTube, doing my best to ignore its nagging. I have to figure out how I want the opening to work. I have to hash out the story first. I can't write down some half-baked idea and call it a manuscript.

"That's what editing's for, dimwit. It doesn't have to be perfect the first time around."

But I want it to be perfect the first time around! I want it to be the potential I see it having. And I have other things to do. This isn't my entire life after all.

"Isn't it what you want your entire life to be? Writing? Publishing books?"

Shut up! I'm doing the best I can. I'm reading like a maniac over here, trying to learn as much as I can through what others have done. As John Green would say, it's the best apprenticeship I've got.

"You just ended that sentence with 'I've got'."

I groan. That's besides the point. The point is that I'm learning right now. You can't expect me to do everything at once.

"Practice makes perfect. You can set a little time aside at the very least. What was that quote you used to be so fond of? Oh yeah, 'The way you define yourself as a writer is that you write every time you have a free minute. If you didn't behave that way you would never do anything.' -John Irving. Or 'Learn as much by writing as by reading.' -Lord Acton. Or even that one from Ray Bradbury, that author you look up to so much, 'Quantity produces quality. If you only write a few things, you're doomed.' I win."

Not fair! You can't just bombard me with quotes I like and win the argument just like that. Okay, maybe you've got a point. *sigh* Fine, I'll get to writing already. I'm not saying I'm gonna type up a novel in the next week, but I promise I'll stop procrastinating somewhat and at least write for an hour or two every day. Scout's honor.

"You weren't a girl scout. They didn't let you in the troop because the lead mom hated you, remember?"

Enough with the low blows already. You already won.

Just let me finish one more chapter of Suite Scarlett first. Things are getting intense right now . . .